words fail me.

20060423

Seriously I don't understand how judges judge. This is the duno-wat-th time.

It was like this with everything else. I didn't want to write it here, but this bloody com can't type Chinese. Ever since the start of the year, I've been a total failure. I don't know. Don't ask me to list examples, cause there so many that if I were to start on them, I'd start crying again now.

Our fish. Just because its natural colour is blueblack. Just because it has a weird name. Do you really judge based on looks? Are you really so superficial? Do you know that many classes practically left their fish to rot, and only did last minute dress-up for it nearing the date of submission? Do you know that our class spent 60 bucks on taking care of the fish? Do you see most classes keeping their fishes in their class so that they can often go over and play with it, tease it, admire it? Do you realize that we had taken such good care and shown so much love for our fish right from the beginning? And who do you give the prizes to? I'm not saying we deserve first prize, but those who got better than us definitely didn't deserve it. Is this how you judge? Is this how you encourage your students to put in effort?

We loved our fish so much, we wanted it so much to win. Its so chio pls. Do you know that when we first got it, it was so dark and practically black throughout? Do you know that few days after joining our class, its colours became much brighter and prominent? We so rejoiced lah. We even went to great pains for naming it. Lol.

When they announced the results, some of us were holding hands, even. Holding hands, like a form of "crossing fingers".. Then when we realized what was up, we left go of each others' hands quickly, trying not to show our disappointment.

It was upsetting enough. Then came the news about shufang. I cried. And the hour after assembly I was trying hard to hold back my tears. I looked on at the groups of people chatting away strolling. It's a self-centered world, Latha said. I know I should just accept reality, but… it just feels worse when you realize no one is affected as you. How should I feel? Angry at my emotional side, or at the uncaring masses? Neither would seem right.

But as if all these weren't enough – people had to go around being insensitive. I already couldn't believe it when people had to be so mean to our fish: curse it to die, threaten to do things to it.. ask if it has died. If I ask you eagerly whether your mother has died yet, would you punch me? Then today you had to boast. Boasted, and boasted, and boasted. And.. "How can lose to your class?" Is that it? Quest to outwin My class in everything. Aim, ultimate goal. Even if i killed myself doing it. Even if it makes me cry anyway. Who cares. ..Well, nice being friends with you. Then, i think the class would do so much better without me. I'm such a jinx. Even exclassmates wanna make life miserable for me. Its not whether we win that matters. Its your mentality. Esp when its under this condition. So not hurtful. Im gna throw away that 6 "spasticsnotgone". I was so mistaken. It was long gone. (:

Diff classes. Last year when nobody cared, when everybody was in fact rejoicing over their new arrangements, i cried almost everyday. Now i've come to know it wasnt worth it.

I tried to control myself when some of the other things happened. I got so pissed upset and miserable, but I tried to control. I'll try not to lose it. I'll try. Just because i have to.

I know I sound like a bitch again. I know I'm such an asshole. I know everything about me sucks. But when I think about it… I've tried so hard. I've tried my best, given everything I could. What do you want from me? Can you tell me what I can do? What did i do wrong? Does the whole world hate me? Or does god hate me? Is that it? Cause when life starts draining everything out of you, you can't help but feel so helpless and wanna die. I don't wanna die yet. Can someone help me? I hate sounding so helpless. Especially when I know no one can help me.

in jest; [6:31 PM]