20051028

aah. ahh. ah. dying. THANKS LIN FER THE FREAKING KYYUUUTEE ECARD. -jumps- oh man.. damn cute. mwahahah.. and and wanlin showed us the mei gui movie today, with Twins in it... funny like hell.. we pon-ed the drama night prelims to watch it. anyway didnt get in for drama night.. never expected much also. i just think that our class was really very cute and even though disappointed arh, its still sth to remember. i wil seriously miss you guys. no matter what we rawk in some way..


in jest; [12:51 PM]

20051027

i don't know about you guys, but to me school sucks so much more now than it was during the exams. wut the fuckin hell. every single moment i spend around the school grounds feels like a waking nightmare.. the hatred etched deep within me soul, threatening to burst. i can't believe it lah. i goddam cried 'cause i know im gonna miss the class next year. you tell me, what of the class do i have to miss? the days spent together have been done so rottenly.. most of the time. yet, when i see us together as one, cheering for ourselves.. 201.. and the bloody songs playing in the background.. i just feel so fucked up. i dowanna give a damn.. but we're so memorable...

so we got 3rd for netball. i dont care. we're goddam pro. they came to a draw with the champions again. 204. nah, i got nth against them. siyi is cute. but whatever la.. banner also 3rd. i'm disappointed, honestly. honestly. and of course wanlin is disappointed. we are every bit better than the others la. forgeddit la. dammit dammit dammit. so much for beautiful last memories. dammit dammit dammit dammit. i dont care, after today, im not gonna shed a tear for this stupid separation again. just think normal. or whatever. THIS FUCKING HAPPENS ALL THE TIME LA. U KNOW WHAT I HATE?

of course, it doesnt change that i hate school. right this moment i wanna commit suicide. but since we all know that won't help anything, im gonna go sleep.


in jest; [1:06 AM]


Infected by: joe

Rules of the Game: Post 5 random and weird facts about yourself, then at the end, list the names of 5 people whom you in turn infect. Also, leave a post to these people letting them know they have been infected.

5 random and weird facts here:
//i'm gay
//i'm a perv
//i'm attached
//to me, the colour BLACK is worldly domination
//of the above, only one is true

Next to be infected:
asti
ian
roanne
sharon


in jest; [12:48 AM]

20051024

wow.. wow.. wow.. wow.. wow.. this weekend.. is perfect! =D friday, saturday, sunday.. whoots! im so excited i think i can't sleep tonight. =___= but i relli relli dowanna go skool tmw... feel like dying. hai. nvm. gna go clean my room.


in jest; [12:20 AM]

20051023

hi..

haha.. i knw im supposed to sound more enthu, but im tired. its post eoys! i know many things have been happening in the past few days, but im damn BUSY ok. -glares-

so much to do.. -hops around- but today im in a good mood. really really good. floating de gan jue.. WHOOO. kae, i will come up with a to-do list soon. =D


in jest; [12:12 AM]

20051020

well, well, what do you know...

im in a good mood today! ^^ tomorrows math and im gna do all i can now fer the rest of the day.. -stretch- =) 3 cheers to 201 fer pulling thru this!

and, i've decided to change the background cus wanlin claimed she was dying from reading my blog. =D want to keep my readers, don't i?

last night, there was this mother and daughter who came up to sell washing liquid.. those fer the floor --whassat called? it was around 11plus, and yet they still had so many on hand. two of them carry around 5 or 6 bottles.. damn heavy i think. she was asking my mum whether she wanna buy, and as she spoke it was almost like she gonna cry.. said sth abt someone being ill, and they needed the money.. then there was her daughter. she looks around my age, looked skinny and bedraggled, and hunched slightly. she patting her hand against her chest, like she had breathing difficulties.. probably she's ill too. after that my parents could not stop talking about how fortunate we kids are.. i mean just look at my fatty of a brother.

we know, we know.. but if we really needed to, i would not hesitate, at your orders, to go around and sell tissue paper for you at 12midnight or later.. right? (though people will be asleep and its not nice to wake them) i can screech the top of my voice, "one dollar, one dollar, hello one dollar.." -beams- though i think we would have to consult the mrt tissue auntie first, if not she charge us for infringement of copyrights over her song.

yeah i know im crappy. just feel so inspired today. in many different ways. and i was having second thoughts about what i wanna grow up to be as well.. look up into the sky blur blur one, where got yi pian guang ming.. hai.

ever thought about how your future would be? some people believe that one's future is determined from birth, while others, the same old thing -- "the future is in your HANDS" woots, goosebumps. so, if we try to define "future" from these sayings, there will be two ways in which we can view this.

1) time works like a path, a passage.. everything is predefined and in place. there is no such thing as the "unknown" because it is actually right there from the start. its just because we have not travelled to that part of the time passage yet, thus we will not know of what lies ahead in that path. along the journey, the path that we have not visited yet will be called the "future". there is no way of changing it, and people who can predict the future will be those who have the ability of looking "further into the path", or sth like that.
2) well, there's nothing ahead! everything's for you to create. predefined destiny? bollocks. its up to you to create whatever that will become your history in the further future. hmm. sounds weird.

whatever.. i can't decide yet, what do you think? but of course you can choose, like me, to decide that you don't care about this shit and you'd rather not strain your brain over it. =D

dum dee dum.


in jest; [3:46 PM]

20051017

i spent one whole day trying to convince ppl im not in love.. haha.. the number of stuff they could list amaze me.. yuan lai you guys zhu yi wo so much arh.. haha. kidding. im not ok..

anyway, today was english paper. i made a few errors in answering cus i never read instructions loh... summary write 150 only.. eff them lah, at the last line then call people exclude. assholes. then the compre i leave 1 line only.. whn supposed to leave 3 lines.. ahahah.. dun care.

the good mood in the day had transformed into irritation. i found out that i can't access my hotmail anymore. all my msger contacts, my msn groups, my msn group.. =____= kao eh. duno which bloody shit go and hack my a/c la.. but i dont knw of anybody who wud wanna do that, so maybe its just hotmail thats fucking screwed up. thats even worse.

i dont knw what to do nw.. i sent them an email, and all i got in return was a bloody email abt resetting my password. like i didn't try that. what's their problem. if its not for msn group, i wont use hotmail la. retarded. and i was just getting settled with this email. f. f. f. f. f. f.

its not just the things la.... fallenhopes has accompanied me throughout my years frm pr 5 to nw la.. there are times i have abandoned it, and taken it back, but its still close to my heart.

goddamit, so xin tong. ok, i created a new email, tblublack@hotmail.com, and if i dont get back fallenhopes ever again, its what im gnna work with from nw onwards.


in jest; [9:38 PM]

20051014

ok...

i was absent today. i think its the first tme in two yrs i was absent fr being sick. owel. rite b4 eoy somemore. wonderful. but at least nt dengue fever, then i xie tian xie di liao. mwaha.

then chen veh nice.. call and yah, basically told me everything. i heard i was mentioned in class. lol, thx so much arh. then im online nw.. amazingly.

theres so much to do.. jason ng called.. he asked abt hw i am, arranged fer me to meet him, and talked to my mum. hahaha.. hes a nice teacher, really.

eoys, here i come.


in jest; [7:29 PM]


In a Past Life...
You Were: A Lazy Warrior.
Where You Lived: Peru.
How You Died: In Childbirth.
Who Were You In a Past Life?

#

Your Kissing Purity Score: 69% Pure
For you, kissing isn't a casual thing
Lip to lip action makes your heart sing
Kissing Purity Test

#

You Are 14 Years Old
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
What Age Do You Act?


#

You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.
How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

#

Your Japanese Name Is...
Shuichi Suzuki if boy
Koto Yamada if girl
What's your Japanese Name?

#

Your IQ Is 105
Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Above Average
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional
Your General Knowledge is Above Average
A Quick and Dirty IQ Test


in jest; [6:40 PM]

20051012

how do i love thee? let me count the ways..

note to self: bring HP and InitialD for Huiming this sunday.

lol. ok, i just wanna say hey to those who tagged. ^^" sorry im not tagging1 yeh? i figured if you tag, u must be a reader. =) mostly, right? my dear affies, i missed u too! feel kinda sad abt ze hiatus. tmw's the kickstart to EOI ler... im not sure whether to be anxious or what, but i kinda feel alright about it. it actually means its one more day closer to this being over, and i can't wait. do dread math and geography though. while friends from other schools are busy celebrating their post exams, we will be slogging and worrying our guts inside out. ok i made that up.

you can tell i'm in the mood for blogging today. many ppl kept reminding me to study.. hahaha.. i realise how much of a slacker i am, and really love u all for the concern yeh? and i UNDERSTAND that pauline you took away the CD for my own GOOD right. i know. lol but in the first place its frm you. thanks man... T.T

theres so much i wanna say.. im not exactly.. happy. i think im just blabbering cause i
a) had too much caffeine
b) am suffering from pro EOI syndrome
c) am avoiding having to go back to study Physics.

haha.. well, actually the change in everybody is obvious. you just know exams are around the corner even if no one tells you; even if the class seems just like how it is every day. the signs are Unmistakable.
1) most important of all, the slackers (namely ME) start mugging. not excessively like the others, but still yes they do. go on, gasp loudly.
2) most bring papers and notebooks around themselves unnecessarily and to lessons that are not related to these notes. after, you realise they really barely read them.
3) random people get seized by bouts of depression or bad temper. only its not PMS.
4) every morning you hear the same interogations, reports, or statements repeatedly flying overhead. "you studied this yet?" "i stayed up to read write notes LA." "fuck (a certain subject)!"

tsk. makes me giddy just talking bout this. we had our last Music and Dance session today, and it was fun. choreography. i think wanlin has gd leadership qualities. hahaha. bet it was hard to manage us rowdy group, along with paul. we dance to my anata, TZ, and watched the cute performances by fellow classmates. wish i could have videotaped. haha.. such precious moments. the songs are still stuck in my head. then again, a song is stuck in my head at any one time... why else do you think i sing so much crap? XD

okay.. i wanna apologise to jia cause cause i made her fall and i feel really really really really bad about it. even though she said it was nth and accepted my apology, i think it was the first time i made a person fall with my own hands.. also first time i saw jia fall? think so. she has fallen before but i dont think i saw. i like to think myself as the ben shou ben jiao one. hahah. my deepest regret. hai.

their were post-exams workshops to sign up for by tomorrow and i signed for photography.. wanlin and jia also. damn FULL la! but we are smart people, so we found a way. hiahiahia.. surprisingly manga damn little.. haha. cus yesterday so many ppl told me they were interested mah. then i was pleasantly surprised. but i saw the sign up sheet today. it figures. manga is not very popular. but who cares? those people dont know what they are missing out on, so be it. =P coming to terms with Japanese art, in my opinion, there are two groups of ppl in RGS. the majority would be those who dont have interest in nihon whatsoever... the minority, would be where yours truly would call upon. the hardcore fans. regardless manga or any sort, anime of any category, as long as we are fans. i think its kinda easy to tell the groups apart. by our hobbies and stuff. us, we aint that minor.. but we're not prowling over the school grounds in large numbers either. thing is, i think RGS girls are prone to extremes. so, when we are fans, we are true blue ones. and im proud of it. =) i even feel we're united from the heart.. gods im going crazy. but still, i will embrace yaoi and others with open arms, despite everything.

well... i didnt mean to sidetrack. i just got caught up. hmmm.. you get my point anyway. i decided manga is easy to learn on ur own, and ive been wanting to touch photography for the longest time. so photography it is. -cross fingers- than we get in. hee.

ok... what i did want to talk about, though, was ze Spastics.

it has been bugging me for a long time now. our on and off unitedness, sometimes discord...
but thats what friends are all about isnt it? there are times when it existed at the back of my head, what wanlin said today. but the full impact truly hit me only now. how smart, you comment dryly. blahh.

what wanlin commented was about how different each and everyone was. well its a known fact, but have you really pondered over it? it seems, we are so different that, like in a typical teenage fairytale, only fate could have brought us together. but its true. the only reason its not so obvious is because when we are together, all differences melt together, and we just go ahead and have fun instead. we don't ponder too much about these stuff.. not worth that much of pondering, actually. but just let me rant, wont you.

here im gonna list the most recent and most outstanding observations of my beloveds. those stuff i can think offhand anyway. we are.so. different. even our sense of humour (the very essence that lets us have fun tgt) aren't even close. haha.. of course, listing our bad points wud further emphasize my point, but i wont do that.

wanlin is the guai kia! superwoman at studies and muscles. learns the most amazing stuff... yoga, flute, and more. knows her limits and at all costs stay out of trouble.. gets or makes sure her friends stay out of trouble also. mugger, yet no. 1 fan with regards to HK stuff. sense of a fashion designer, and gets excited only by extreme triggers. (HoCC, jamie, GLK.. lol) very practical and sensible also. give ppl dao dao feeling.
dominant traits: attitude, guai-ness, practicability.
humour: seducing ppl and fa-dianing. yes, it is a means of humour.

jia is the funny one. lol. and she gives people the feeling like she very pro especially whn giving speech or in performance. doesnt feel like caring, but does care about her work. super active. her moods have her ups and downs, and the contrast is stark. she's ..daring. sincere.. helpful. sometimes reminds me of a kid.. even though shes like taller and all.. but other times great at taking care of others. gives ppl gd impression also. up til nw she hasnt lost my parents' liking. lol.
dominat traits: funny, and, depending on her mood, either bright like sun, or a dark like... uhhhh. chocolate. =____=
humour: crazy weird random stuff that she likes to come up with or rattle offhand.. coupled with amusing body gestures.

chenhoon is the lame lame! lol. sometimes hot tempered but can be sweet also. comes up with the weirdest and lamest stuff known to everybody, and is well connected with many members of tribes other than RGS. if you know what i mean. =) then jioed by alot. wuahahaha.. likes pretty stuff and takes pride in things like neat pinafore and handwriting. has been trying to be pai since last year, and this year picking up the pai style liao. extremely pro at certain games...
dominant traits: lameness and excellency at it, LARGE social circle, love for 'pretty'ness
humour: LAMENESS

shihua is what i remember as a fan girl. in the fan aspect.. used to be 56, then sme others, then wei jian.. thinks for others and laughs alot. talks alot also. knows when to be the boss sometimes.. haha.. and always very active. also, im not sure why but ive always seen hua as the most girl among us. her name is the perfect base for transformation into many kinds of nicknames... short then often made fun of- but its cute.
dominant traits: enthusiastic pursuer (of...), easygoing, responsible.
humour: she comes up with scenarios.. hahah.. mostly she laughs along with everybody, even at the slightest stuff. that is funny itself.

paul is the, how should i say, motivated one. one that goes around giving, taking hugs, and initiate mid-air kisses. she is extremely polluted in the mind, but she preaches on the conservation of environment. as in, she's really concerned about it. super passionate, super crazy.. has high expectations of herself and takes pride in her work. shes one that people is prone to notice the first. music runs in her blood and veins and muscles, and she freaks ppl out.. haha. and she cries easily. =p
dominant traits: craziness, and passionate.. in all the meanings to that word
humour: sexual stuff, russel peters (dunt ask), and her infectious craziness

i've said so much, i feel drained. dun talk bt me ler la hoh. how long have i been typing? hmm.. but after reading all that, spastics, dont u think its even weird to think of how we have come so far together, and remained intact? i think its amazing. far beyond anything. its some special sort of fate.. without it, we could have met, and maybe clicked well, but never come to today.

wow..

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
...
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! ---
and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.


in jest; [5:17 PM]

20051011

whoo~! peopplee!!! congratulate me! ^^ whoo! im not confused nemore! ^^ ^^ i dont care more thn im sposed to now.. im normal agn.. my mind and heart is clear as crystal.. no more haze. i can almost see and literally feel my emotions now. what im feeling is plainly nothing.. nothing related anyway. ^^ i know im making you confused, but at least be happy for me that i got no worries now..

i guess it was just a phase. just like similar phases ive gone thru. no wonder it felt so unreal. so untouchable. it wasnt even there in the first place. just some sort of faint illusion held over my head.. u know, cui mian? the chinese compre.. =__= its sort of like a love potion, but.. just that i was fed something else other than liquid.

it just came over me. i was in midst of my unfinished work whn i strted thinking bt it again, and i realised its gone. =) that that that.. horrible feeling. had been fading away all this while. im so darn glad. if i had realised any sooner, i might have started brooding, and started cui-mianing myself again. why i did that i dont knw... how, precisely, proves to be even more of a mystery. its too complicated for myself to want to figure out.

and i aplogise for this post cause nobody.. [as in, really nobody] would know im talking about. but im too happy to think bout this for now. cheeeeerrss!

i shudder to think a phase had so much impact on me, but i will enjoy as much as i can first. worries about future similar phases befalling upon me again shall come later. much later. its EOI time. lol.


in jest; [11:36 PM]


yay! chen rawks! she let us PHOTO her notes. -gapes- =__= all hail the pro potato!!!
yay! paul rawks! zetsuai zetsuai zetsuai zetsuai.... thankew.... T.T T.T T.T T.T
yay! jason ng rawks! =__= no u did NOT just hear me say that. hahah no la he doesnt.. aktuali just tht he's qte nice. =] cheers. dun stress so much ppl..


in jest; [9:17 PM]

20051010

i hate everybody.. ..almost. but 'hate' is the operative word here.

please dont take away my basketball...
please dont take away my art.. i love them more than any of u. more than any wud ever know. i feel like dying. gonna break down. why is the world so fuckin unfair. i'd rather you chop off my hands, or stab me dead. cant.. stand it.


in jest; [11:45 PM]

20051008

thanks Jin fer the tag.. gr8 to know u care.. =)

today we had training for netball carn.. me and paul shooting arh.. the others in game. i can't express my hatred for netball. i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate.. whatever. but i wanna say paul was wonderful.. she helps in ways that are amazing. i dont knw hw she does it, but she makes me realise i can do sth if i try hard enough.. its like she gives me her power or sth. haha. just like dance. anyway with her help and guidance im able to shoot decently now. "feel the ball" a phrase that actually need explanation. ..nah. anyway throughout the thing i couldnt stop thinking bout soccer, and how takuto plays.. how nanjo watches. hai. im dying.. and listened to the tracks also. hmm. there was a small hse meeting also. nth mch to do really, so i went away. i'm really excited about designing and everything.. but i try not to be. just in case..
and.. me and hua had abit of conflict but alls well now. im glad..

i arrived 20 minutes early for tuition... and i was really really hoping he'd be there soon. so i brooded and moped and went around taking pictures of the place with my handphone. the building has a really nice ambience if you stop to notice. haha.. but of course, like you wud have expected, he didnt come. probably still busy with exams. while we RGS girls wait fer ours to pounce upon us with each passing day.. glorious world. i wonder if he's coming ever again.


in jest; [9:10 PM]

20051006

pain pain pain painpainpainpainpainpain..

i can't wait til the week end. i think im dying. i cant stop thinking... not to mention thinking bt draco zetsuai and others. think think think thinkthinkthinkthinkthink.. how my moods change i dont understand. im temperamental. wonderful.. i think im dying. make me feel alive?


in jest; [11:18 PM]


bloody fatass of a brother.. bloody hell. bloody bloody. he's so damn, fucking..

don't want to listen in class, only know how to lurk in the corner of the classroom contentedly and chat his time away with other assholes of his like. teacher irresponsibly left him to rot he all the more happy, cus more time to chat. no shame. he don't know half a single thing the teachers are saying in school la, and he brings all sorts of fucking comics and stuff to school. textbooks lost ler also dont care. for goodness sake he dont even know that what he was learning were under TOPICS. got me goddam blamed la. like that also scold me. why don't you take your own spoiled son in hand?

blame me blame gor.. stop criticizing him for everything la.. don't you know it all started because years ago when you brought him back he didnt even view you as family? can you blame him for being so distant? can you blame that friends so fucking rocks more than family?

whenever i tell you something about that brat you just nod your head in agreement and say we should do something about it. then i suggest something and its just bounces off you. then the next time when i had the chance to restrict that fat ass, you just go ahead and tell him right out that its ok if he eat until his fucking stomach explodes, so he doesnt need to care if his idiot of a sister forbids him from eating more snacks. everything i suggest you make him do, you just reply with a "you think he will do?" what the hell are parents around for? you might as well give him money to last a lifetime and then leave him on his own to gorge on food.

spoil him. everything he wants you give. buy toys more often than buy groceries. so damn ex like hell. you think we very rich isit? you earn the money one you donno what state we are in meh? save some money can.. spend everything on his fucking playthings. AND STOP BUYING ME THINGS I DIDNT ASK FOR. for fuck's sake stop changing phones. theres nothing cool about the latest model. things i didnt ask for, i dont want them. useless. when i say no i mean no and stop forcing me to eat when im so fucking full. stop buying a whole bucketload of food each time you shop if you really mean to help him lose weight. grow fat then you scold say keep on eating, then so flabby. then whenever got extra food left you keep forcing us to eat, no one eat then throw away. once again, SO MUCH MONEY ARH.

stop blaming people about his work. that brat is fucking RESPONSIBLE for his own. he's primary one now. MAKE HIM GO ON A DIET. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARMFUL IT IS FOR HIS HEALTH OR NOT. DO YOU EVEN. FUCKING. CARE.

all you know is to feed us feed us feed us feed us.. can you be more practical? more openminded?

so many things you don't know.. i'm gonna fucking tell you.


in jest; [10:59 PM]


im gna buy a small vase to hold the most beautiful thing on this earth....

oh thank you thank you thank you thank you paul.. haha.. couldnt stop looking at it.

smth which holds such deep meaning is one of the best things someone could ever give me this eternity..

you knw today at hawker centre.. there were these two guys and a girl talking animatedly... then they talked so loudly. but i didnt really hear everything, just words here and there..
it kinda reminded me of ppl getting round to talk bt ghost stories and experiences...

i think it was last month when i had this dream.. i swear it was a dream cus in real life its can't be done.

i was lying on the bed, and i dont knw when i fell asleep, but it didnt even feel like i slept.
suddenly i felt like there was sth pressing me down. i was pinned to the ground at the head, only. i could feel it cause there was a certain pressure, and my breathing was slightly difficult. almost immediately, sth lifted my legs up. its just nth. my legs went up on there own.. i couldnt open my eyes but i felt nothing around my legs so probably there werent hands or anything. so now it is.. the legs lifted in midair, me unable to open eyes. then the thing started swinging me around. it was amusing even as i was in the situation. my legs were going in a circle. not the legs moving but the body, actually... like smth was trying to swing me in rounds, but couldnt cus my head was stuck to the pillow, so the thing moved instead. the image is really damn funny..
anyway, the act was continuous.. i found myself trying to open my mouth and shout, but the movement of my mouth was very restricted and hard to move. even as i mouthed my pleas, no sound came out. i was straining real hard to call for my mother but to no avail. i tried for a while, then gave up. i tried to calm myself down and wait to see what happens. because nothing was really hurting me, i was not that scared.
i dont knw how long it was.. but it finally stopped. my legs went back to original position and hovered for awhile, before it was let down.
the scary part is that... i think i woke up almost immediately. i was relieved to be able to open my eyes.. and note that im still on my bed.. i was breathing heavily la..

i was damn confused. it felt so real.. yet so surreal. cus it didnt feel like my body was really moving.. but in a way i was... sounds cliche but it was like my soul was plucked up and played with, instead of my body. but thats not possible...

this is how i knew it was a dream anyway. cause directly next to where i was sleeping (at that time i was sleeping on mattress in parents' room, beside my brother..), there were cupboards.. my legs would have knocked into them and felt the impact if the thing was real..


in jest; [1:33 AM]

20051005

love... simply love.

have you thought thru it yet?

simply...

some things just swing this way...

no matter what.

just so simply.


in jest; [12:48 AM]

20051004

i hate pining my hopes.. regardless on what or who. cus i get so goddam disappointed 9 out of 10 times. and its not gd to make a habit out of it anw.

and my parents suck. its cliche, but why can't they try to see from my point of view. i may seem indifferent, but do they really think i will disobey them out of sheer indignance? that im happy doing it? im sipping cup of coffee trying to stay awake tonight la. i thought there would be nothing i hate more than geog. so damn wrong. i hate RS so much i wanna inflict pain on someone to diminish my anger.

of all times, they love picking times when i seem more busy than usual to stand at the side and scold me. they think it doesnt fucking affect me? i wanna hear myself screaming.. wanna see someone bleed. someone cry.. someone die.. wanna bleed.. wanna die.. kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me..


in jest; [1:32 AM]

20051003

my blog is nc-13.. i think. or isit PG. anyway i do apologise, should any passerby feel offended by content of my posts. just leave then..


in jest; [1:13 AM]


i hate you.

i hate you.i hate you.i hate you.i hate you.i hate you.i hate you.i hate you.

no i dont. and i hate you. EARTASDHJTdrilew/ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AAAHHHH. glakrsutjpweurpiort./.risrtujqpwoifhgj,daft mitaghjkfdgn,mrstiojrilgerjt/sf.srkglkhwrgukftae.,dgjdfhio54t

my tuition teacher was saying that all the things she didnt like her parents to do when she was a girl, she didnt do to her kids now. i think thats what a gd parent is abt. im putting this away for future reference, man.

anyway you know i was saying the band incident..? they asked me to join... misuzu kept asking me after that and i didnt straight off tell her 'no'... really, i couldnt bear to. all my life i want to learn the drum set.. im not bloody lucky like jia la.. but no offense. hai. but i did, in the end say no. it was on wednesday at moelc.. paul was ard. and i think i made the right decision.. i love the daji section too much, despite all the..setbacks.

point is, after lesson misuzu saw me agn... thn she went.. "really dowan arh.." then i, almost flusteredly, tried to explain my reasons again... i just said our section are alr lacking ppl.. not the personal reasons... then she was about to go, but stopped for awhile and turned slightly.. she said sth like "but co not important what..."

and i couldnt believe she said that. she didnt face me or nething and it wasnt very loud and clear, and i didnt answer. but i heard it.

and what can i say? thats what everybody freaking thinks anyway. and misuzu is really nice. i dowanna get pissed at her over this. but i am. but im not gonna do nething to her.

"its useless.. the percussion section is so diao.."

i bet..

thats what everyone thinks.


in jest; [12:58 AM]


fuck. my parents are getting grouchy la. not like im in the best of moods. just bloody woke up again. they know i know what im doing.. point is they think i bloody like it. u think i'd rather sleep in the afternoon and work in the dead of the night when everybody else is snoozing? that i would not rather sleep normally like everyone else?

i was, freaking, tired la ok. everytime i nap, its cause i cudnt help it la. how bout if i start drinking coffee every day. you think that if i had a choice between being a light sleeper and a heavy one i would choose the latter? that i derive joy in making u guys wake me up? i dont say im not wrong, but i bloody couldnt help it LA.

and can you be more considerate? STOP PICKING ON ME EVERYTIME ITS MY EXAM PERIOD. IT FUCKING AFFECTS ME LA. YOU THINK ITS ONLY YOU GUYS WHO EVER NEED TO WORRY ABOUT STUFF ISIT. YOU worry bt my exams. YOU worry bout my work. YOU WORRY BOUT HAVING TO DISOWN ME AFTER I FAIL EVERYTHING. RIGHT.

and sometimes, im not throwing temper ok. its not call give you all lian se can. can you freaking try to understand anot... im tired la... and school is not exactly the best way to cheer a person up either. i can't be happy and smiling every time i return home, and answer to your questions brightly like some primary school kid la.. its bad enough that school so friggin sucks, and now you wanna tell me by no means am i allowed to MUCK IN PATHETIC SADNESS ON MY OWN AT HOME?

its not helping la.. why are you guys like that every time loh...


in jest; [12:46 AM]

20051002

ok it was fucking pissing. blogger i meant. bloody hell. bloody hell. i mean, ive known there are problems, but i was so happy typing the last word i just pressed publish immediately. they better fix it man. its, bloodly, pissing.

SFGJARStl;wru.

i was saying that i had the best day in ages yesterday, and that food at marce was fucking ex, and i had a tremendous time ydae learning to skate and that jiangning was a marvellous teacher. and i wanna get more chances to pract, cus i cant balance well yet. and im in love with roller skating.

..sigh, i just dont have the bloody mood anymore la.... its kind of like, pouring ur full hearts contents out to someone, tears and all. then the person suddenly plucked off the ear phones and said "huh, you said sth?"

and it was considerably LONG kan.

whatever. i feel betrayed.

hai, im damn tired. kept jacking myself at tuition today. and i realised the whole world is warped around maple story. dammit i can;t stand it. so the game has its attractiveness, but for goodness's sake, EVERYONE. its not jsut cause im not playing it... even if a comic or band i love, and everyone starts going "omg it ROCKS" and everybody just starts loving the same thing... i would get super irritated and never touch that comic or listen to that band again la.... cause its something along the line of "can't someone remain abit of individuality?"

but i guess since this is a game, its meant for the masses.. so... hai. i have to resign to fate. today in class i was the only person who wasnt a maple player. yes, cause even the teacher plays it. -laughs- what is the world coming to..

anyway, i do express my pleasure at the popularity fanfiction seems to have among people of my kind than i thought it did. liying, chaoying and ..kexin right? im gna pounce on 'em someday and pester fer Links. mwahahahhahahahah.. HP too! -beams-

i know i sound like im contradicting, one moment preaching bout overwhelming popularity of this game, the next moment rejoicing over increasing number of people reading HP fic. but do note that, with all of us put together, its only 5 out of 35 alright? its not even much.. lol.

Anyway syehyin writes naruto fic.. i think its kinda cool cus she has always been crazy over naruto, and i wonder if theres alot of naruto fic out there. hehe. i told her truthfully i like gay fic. ..ok i said i wrote gay fic. which nobody's supposed to know yet cus its still in progress.. i just started it. but since its exam period i better lay off it.
thinking bt it.. its not really... gay. i ship only H/D. only. i get turned off by any other pairings like harry/snape or remus/sirius.. whatever. i only ship HD. hahah.. i dont really care what others say out there. point, though, is that no one ever says anything.

that might explain the different kind of emotion i felt when syehyin reacted immediately with something related to an EEEWW and Thats Disgusting (do you know them? lol nvm me) .. yeh, its nth i didnt expect. she thot it was Harry Herm at first and agreed whn i said it was sweet. thts when things strted to look suspicious. so i cleared it out w/ her.

haha... i do admit there was this teeny.. weeny part of me that was displeased and wanted to find ways to transform her into a HD shipper. but thats minority, really. i was smiling to myself all the way, partly amused by her reaction... cause.. in school me and paul read yaoi comics all the time, but no one ever says anything.. applying to those who know what its about. it feels kinda weird that everybody lays off the topic, especially when its the top thing on your interest list right now. people aint able to voice their thoughts freely about this kind of things, i dont really mind also and simply immerse myself in the comics.

but after today, when syehyin's reaction struck me as a relief, i realised how ive never received such comments before. true, it might seem discriminating when others say sth like that... but you guys are friends and as long as you dont go insulting her that shes a freak, or try to cleanse her thinkings, i think she wouldnt mind. well i wouldnt. it would have been interesting to hear what you think, but i would hold my stand and my passion wont waver. friends dont need to reserve such comments to themselves..

and i know i can always count on syehyin to be straight. she always has been.. to anyone anyway. hahah. straight as in.. straightforward.. you know.. =P

anyway i was still smiling to myself after we parted ways. and i wanna explain the relief part....
it felt good not to be hiding within you your obvious love for sth... its something like if i was lesbian. i dont want to be constantly hiding it from my friends.. i want to just, let them know, and i will be able to deal with their reactions, affirmative or not. cause i know it wont change things between us, and i would assure i have no interest in them, or sth. haha...

theres no need to tell each other everything.. but just as long as its something not the social norm and your friend doesnt know about it, it feels like ur hiding someth. it makes u all uneasy. i think i told syehyin cus she does fanfic too, and we're close enough. i woudnt bet so much on letting huiming know though. see... theres this fear.. of how others would react to you and what kind of things they might say after they found out....

i think ive been ranting and im not sure whether it got my point across, but if it didnt then i sure am useless.. lol. i damn tired. gna do sth bt that blood RS now.

anyway, shipping H/D is not really That bad. XD


in jest; [4:02 PM]




me
Lena. 16.

links
.hiok
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arhives
.September 2005
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playing
Artiste: Hefner

Song: Half A Life


list
China Crisis
Peppermint Taste
Alan Beam
The Nights Are Long
Half A Life