i should be in depression now. very very deep depression. the kind in which you drop a whole trailer and you can forever but there's no sound. most definitely the kind in which you lose yourself, kick the (nonexistent) walls, scream and pull your hair out and yet nobody will see you. the kind that i still get once in a while now.

but i was generally cheerful this afternoon. probably because of joy baby alicia and rowawa. maybe because my life still seems to be in control. maybemaybe..

as i sit down here, delving blindly into the depths of my wandering thoughts again, i can't help but chance upon the thought again. it scalded me so badly i jumped. it still exists, yes -- i can't fool myself. so real, so raw, so hurtful.

i dont want to.. really really don't want to think about it. but this just sucks. i hate you so much. you ought to know it. i really regret ever having met you. i hate you, i hate you, i hate you. nobody but myself knows what or who "you" refers to. well too bad.