..think im getting caught up with myself...

its cus this blog feels so personal. cus no comments, and no tagboard. but i knw a few ppl do read.. its just.. doesnt matter. and no1 will be commenting also so i wont feel existence of readers. its just me and my space.

simply, i apologize fer all emotional stuff. ive always been this way, just so there are no conclusions that im suffering fr depression or anything. so its normal.

in fact, just cover ur eyes and see no evil, cus this blog is the most intimate thing to me now and i wont be letting it go..

and im still tired...

do you know why i hate you..?

do you know why you were freaking insensitive?

do you know i think you freaking suck?

do you know i actually can't stand you doing that?

do you know i can't believe you are that sort?

do you know how you make me feel?

do you know that i want to be left alone?

do you know i dont care?

do you know i wish you would remain nice?

do you know you're not endearing?

do you know i have a hard time reading your mind?

...

and all each question is for differnt ppl... i just can't stand it.. why do we coexist. why why why why why... i wanna be a terrorist. i wana destroy the world and stop all such suffering. i want everybody to die. with me.

im blogging about BRONZE, so you can ignore this post.

studying.. i guess thats a good thing.

halfway thru i went back thinking abt them and couldnt focus no more. my thoughts are left lingering on takuto's smile.. their words. if paul reads this: u realise takuto never once said i love u to koji..... and koji never gave a real smile... even if facing takuto, he only gave that...half smile. but if he did it wudnt be him anymore right. its meant to be. hai. im gonna die im gonna die im gonna die. i told myself not to think la! after struggling to focus on jap again, it was so hard not to think of them again. yet here i am.. blogging..

im gonna die. die. i cant believe it ended. i believe the whoever will engage their best lawyer and attempt getting koji out one.. so i will not despair... took me awhile to think back to that part.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. IZUMI CHANGED SO MUCH. AAAAAAHHHHH. im so touched..

..it seems that nowadays regardless what i do, im dying... wonderful. die, so that you can bring Love along.. before the day comes when it ends.

i cannot take this anymore.... im saying everything ive said before, all these words they make no sense, i find bliss ignorance. less i hear the less you'll say. you'll find that out anyway...

just like before.. everything u say to me, takes me one step closer to the edge.. im about to break. i need a little room to breathe..

i find the answers arent so clear.. wish i could find a way to disappear.. all these thoughts they make no sense.. nth seems to away over and over again...

dammit.

ok my head's exploding. staring at the com without rest. cracking brains over stuff. worrying bt stuff. confused bt stuff. AR?Iarpaeslkrjsflggfd.

anw we had dance today. worked! thanks to paul.. oh man. =)) well thaats over.

i dont care if i go blind.. i..need.. to..know what happens next in bronze.....

someone asked a question.. hmm. you're the only who did so probably you'd know urself if you read this? didnt post ur name but i scincerely hope its a fren who appreciated at least sth about me... cus it made my day.. ^^

was thinking alot in car today.. yesterday was eventful but im too exhausted to talk about it. it was Gor's birthday today... i kinda enjoyed his presence. i wonder how often we can do this.. he treated family to dinner know.. first time. so darn happy.

u know its been forever... this is kinda personal but i wonder if you guys get this feeling... like you know maybe at night... you sit there looking out at the dark skies and night lights.. it kinda just makes you feel so.. like you terribly miss some1. a "missing you" feeling.. some strong and unbearable emotion.. but don't get me wrong cus fer me, that someone is just replaced with a blank.. i dont know who it is.. even if theres some1 i dont knw... i just knw ive been so used to this feeling since pr6 and its still not gone now.. what does this mean.. that i like someone? or its just i feel emotional at night... or its just natural.. cus i just need to know so desperately. ive been trying to fill in the empty space with names, but to no avail. everytime i think i got it right, i think back to how i feel again, and promptly erase that name.. its just not right.

emotions are such a complicated thing.

once again i dont know what im feeling. whaaattttt the hell i want. gosh, i need to do some work.

you knw yesterday....

band percussion asked me whether i wanted to join them.

hahahha.. its damn ironic.

you know last yr when i was rejected by band.. i was damn angry. angry like hell. at them fer 'deceiving' me and all.. and e rejection was hard to take, cus i really really wanted to join. so just like any other furious loser, i swore that (in any unlikely case) should band percussion one day ask me to join them or need me, i would reject and mock like hell. lol. you know that kind of thing you say to urself when you get dumped and you obviously still like him and secretly wish he would come back, but ur pride tells you No. its not chi bu dao pu tao shuo pu tao suan (you know, cannot eat grape say grape sour? lmao.) ..its more of, e feeling of rejection. plainly.

not that they need me now. hahah i mean far from that la.. they can ask kweky or anybody zai-er then me.. but in a way, they did ask. in fact, anyone who can play will be preferred to their sec1s. so.. in a way i guess.

i gave alot of thought to this know. really. cause up till this year a while ago i was still brooding over the rejection. but when they asked, i was shocked. turned out they lack ppl.... and they got this misconception that CO got all e ppl we need.... hahah.. mayb cus we alwaes go ard in troops. but thats beside the point. the first thing i thought of was "we dont even have enough ppl ourselves....." but of cus i didnt say that.

then i thought abt kweky and the others.. and jiangning and fiona.. and e teacher.. and gillian and shengnan. the sense of belonging... as in, i dont think they expect me to really agree, but i did say i wud think it over. misuzu told me to consider seriously. one guess also would guess that i already have friends down at CO right...

or do they know of my secret very very strong desire fer the band drumset?

hahahha.. man. so many years gone past and some things in my life i still can't figure out whether they are for real...

happy birthday thomas felton..

i've thought it thru... its useless this way.. im giving up.. on you.. its hard and damn painful but i dont care so much anymore...
anw, CIP today was damn shuang.. turns out they only need us fer that much. rofl. then we went back 8 or 9 of us in Mrs Ng's car and Sammie sat on my lap. HAHAHAH. she super light can! My bro is like 3kg or more heavier than her. =_____= ironically we were there to help out taf club kiddies. my brother is a taf club kiddie.

hai. nth so much to say. without my few beloveds to look at my life is nth at all. well.

i think.. maybe i know whats up alr. im totally alright now.

1. tom felton rocks dont he? hes not exactly shuai la.. he's adorable.. i dreamt of him la.. sort of. ^^ he rocks he rocks he rocks -scream- hai. qi rocks for showing me the card w/ him on it. =DD

2. bronze. ..so painful. yet so.. hai. desperate.. love. jue wang. i cant seem to find e word fer it. think of them i can die liao. i gt 11 of them in the plastic bag now..

3. jap. jap. jap. jap. monday leh... i damn jing zhang..

4. sigh. pain.

the feeling is surreal..

like when you dont even know what you're feeling. what is happening to you. whether your even feeling sth, or your just groping around empty air.. can't grasp what is that your heart is telling you.. or is it telling you nothing..

yet the need to know is so real. strong enough to make you suffer.. not void of emotions, yet the emotion seems to hover above your head, low enough for you to feel its presence, high enough for you never to grab it. i dont want to know if you're real.. i need to know if im real.. i want to feel something -- at least something that will hit me, not tease me from a distance. i need a confirmation. from anyone. even a psychologist maybe, to tell me whats up. its so confusing. regardless hate, love, loathing or numb even... just dont leave me in between not knowing where to go. never been so unsure of myself. and nobody knows what im talking about either.. hahahaha... ..thats the best part.

happy mooncakes festival people.. wanna thank victoria and her mum fer ze yummy box of mooncakes. lmao. tmw gt oral leh.. i dam jing zhang. i think its esp after i found out that i stammer alot whn i speak... last yr i was no sweat loh.. hai. anw, pics! =)



















dad and gor aint around... brother is at home but i guess he's too busy with his com and phone. i think it has been this way ever since i was primary.. i dont know. it has been this way as far back as i can recall celebrating anything.. haha.. owel. my brothers not exactly a genius, and he's got so many faults.. and he carries out what he promised.. esp my parents. and he treats them so badly.. Us. not that he's nasty.. he's just so distant and we all have the impression he's rather go thru hell than spend more than 5mins alone with the whole family.. and the things he do for his girlfriend that he'd never done for my parents.. and the list goes on. but the point is, he's still my brother and the feeling of kinship to him is stronger than anything. he was so much of my childhood.. i remember the times back in tampines... its all different now. but the family still loves him, no matter how much he pulls away from us. he might not feel it but we do. and despite everything, my parents still show so much care for him. its wonderful. im hoping after NS things will get better. even if it doesnt, i dont mind.

everytime i go pauline's blog.. i feel like crying. so i close my eyes and listen to the song instead. lol. she doesnt post much anyway.

hai. diminishing number of blogs. chen.. lin.. lol. few survivors. feeling dam shit now. i was just thinking about next year again. i hate having going to a new class. it means having to meet more people. having to be nice and friendly all e time and what shit.

im practising dance steps every night know. lmao. i dance to, guess? i dance to 56 songs. MWAHAHAH. cus they are the first on my list mah. mambo. so dam unfit. haha anyway i will try my best. cus paulines being such an awesome partner. ..oh and i turned out to be guy. put paul's leading. see my point abt her being awesome?

haha im dying. hssrp.. im finally excited about what im doing. its the topic i guess. now doing proposal. they suck la time limit so zhun. still got RS must do loh. but just think about next year no more(possibly they accept the application?) then i damn happy liao.

ive decided.. i want to join photog. cus they say chinese debates cant join eng or duno what.... anyways auditions over, right? i think i cant join eng debates ler... ....abit sad abt it, cus it probably has alot of implications abt the future.. but i guess we cant tell. haha. wenyu has taught me that. and.. i really wanna go cybermatrix and pei wenyu.... i not sure whether she got change subj combi anot.. i dunt think so.. so probably we not same class also. then we also wun meet again bah. ..class com! i just thought abt it. yay. and then and then.. i wanna learn sth new other thn what im doing now. comps can wait. i wanna join photog. =)

of course, now that we are applying for hssrp, must see first loh. they kept on asking about CCA and 3rd lang days, duno will affect applicationa not. -cross fingers- hope can. hope photog might accept me also. got Qi. ^^

kae.. i gna go mug now. lately so freaking.. as in everyday come back will cannot help myself and sleep loh. even if just sit there only will fall asleep loh. who call my house everywhere so comfortable. so maybe i not very accessible during the day la.. today gabriel tong called me then i told him i wud call him back after i got home, but then i slept. haha i wonder if he thought i dao him.

i feel like im talking to myself, cus all these are so personal. haha, also good. great feeling.

so what does gender matter.. im not saying that all straight couples do not carry genuine love.. its just that since its more natural for one member of a gender to be physically attracted to someone of the other, there are more opportunities for blossoming love between them. that is why straight couples are common.

maybe some people are born with certain hormones that they are attracted physically more to members of their own gender, but have you considered that probably more than half homosexual couples truly genuinely love each other? what is being gay or lesbian? being attracted to the same gender only, or happening to fall for one person of the same gender? when one experiences true love, and fate had made it such that the beloved happened to be of the same sex as oneself, why is she then condemned to being homosexual? if you say you genuinely love your current spouse, then would you still love him or her if you two were of the same gender? why yes, why no? don't give me that crap about it just feels wrong being together like that.. i thought they said true love holds no boundaries, no conditions? next thing you're telling me would that one is only allowed to fall in love under certain circumstances..

even worse. you can tell me true love doesnt exist, which is beginning to seem increasingly logical now, in view of how ive never came in touch with anything of such.. (or perhaps you say im too young to understand-), nor have i have i witnessed or seen anyone else that seemed to be in genuine relationships. or perhaps you might also say the expectations i hold of love are too high, and that not all love are beautiful like fairytales or fantasy.

maybe thats just it. ..sometimes i just wonder why Man spin tales far from reality. is it a desperate attempt to fill the emptiness within them by creating nonexistent beauty, but find out in the end that the hole just gets deeper each time reality hits home. or is Man's imagination so good they can't tell themselves to get a grip. whats love.. how does it feel like, and how do you know it exists? im not called despo. im just feeling faithless about humankind.

they will go, "so you mean the great LOVE that ive been searching for my whole life doesn't exist? and that i can only settle on a partner based on my sexual urges and desire for company? alright."

someone help me..

note: this is just effect of manga. i love and hate fiction all at once.

dear aunt sybil,

i received the maple syrup dispenser you sent me! thank you so much. i love it -- its shaped like a rooster! i can't believe you remembered my favourite animal is the rooster. well, i carry it wherever i go know, its been most useful. just yesterday, i loaded it with herbal tea and my sister poured it all over her breakfast. marvellous gift, i should say.once again, thank you!

love,
lee

actually when you think about it. 'gay' is a nice word. as in, a nice word on its own. and it even represents happiness. its only how people relate it to what they deem as unacceptable, thus the usage of it gives people feeling of disgust. gay is a.. very nice word. just like 'sex' would be a nice word if not for its meaning. lmao.

hai. thinking back, we've come so far. more than one years. haven't really been bonded but i can't help rembering all the times. we've angered our teachers, class worked hard for timeline, play during orientation, national days we've spent together.. and orientation remains my freshest memories.

i dont know why im saying so much. i was damn tired and fell asleep an hr after reaching home. then woke up and was damn jingzhang cus it was 11plus. hahah thn made lotsa ppl wait. anyways got quite a lotta things to do.

unable to coherently organize all thoughts now.. i just know that everything sux, and paulines post affected me too. holy fucking fucked up fuckery.

so how was your first day?

hmm, not bad, just hell like all the others had been..

1. hai shitty la. tension building up in everyone, and chen disappeared today. i wonder what happened to her... CHEENN..

2. and i managed to fini my jap compo..... with thousand blanks that are supposed to be filled w/ jap vocab. lmao. oh and i passed another test.. but just border. hai. test coming knw. you know you know yknow yknow YKNOW.

3. i wanna wanna WANNA that comic. lol yes that gay comic. the one pauline's reading. haha aye i damn long never read comics ler ok.

4. i gave tcher her belated prezzie today. thn just hand over to her i saw that i didnt pluck off the price tag. suay. thn sensei was like, need money buy one dowan la give you back tht kinda thing, only that she was rambling in japanese.. thn i wanted desperately to pluck off the tag but bu hao yi si grab also, since my mouth and hands were telling her "since i buy ler thn shou xia la.." lol. and that drawing. drawn during tuition. =D

5. so many people fr our class are in House Comm. =__= -glares at Qi- alot la... 3CADs from our class can. hahah but good thing is that we control all design stuff. i want theme -- Tarbet Titans!!! Wanlin wants Texas.. qte nice also. Jia wants... Tarbet Taichi. =______= hahaha no la one of those that she liked. -cross fingers- quite fun. Qi was asking paul fer the thousandth time why she dowan join hse comm. hahaha..

6. reminder to self: HSSRP, TW Trip Form Error, Survey on Wed

7. ok maybe today wasn't that bad. but its something like this person who has a grudge against another person yknow? even when that person never really do anything, she also can bu shun yan one. i see school bu shuang loh. hate school. =_= and during jap very the not focussed thn kena maluated alot.

8. what else? i duno. lotsa stuff to do.

you know xiaxue.blogspot.com? yehyeh tht famous one. =D i wonder how many of my friends visit her blog on a regular basis. the first time i did was say a year or so ago. anyways, my first impression was that i didn't like her.

cause she wasn't pretty enough. hahaha.. shes ok, glam and all not but not like our singaporean female artistes who are as famous. and then i proceeded to read her posts.. kinda full of profanity and singlish and stuff, and i was wondering how she got to be famous in the first place. its just a normal girl venting her frustrations.

but one's got to accept this sooner or later. shes 54th worldwide for gods sake. and her posts are more interesting than other shits. and.. she has the guts. i like that. bold about her views and anything.

i think her job's real cool. i mean, earn an income just by blogging..... get money just by writing your thoughts down and gaining fame? hahaha.. the coollest form of all writers! not to mention blogging itself is one of the hottest trends.. i mean, wow, lucky girl.

the only thing i have against her now is her blog is pink. i hate pink. but thats not really it. its the layout on the whole. but no matter, i heard shes got people working on a new layout for her now. professionals i think. COOLNESS. kant wait to see.

hey, so this is the proper blog. sigh. i just thought i wanna separate my real posts from other stuff, so it wont hinder readers whose only real purpose is reading. mwahahaha. gr8. comments here or sth.

we went fer the walk yesterday, and it kinda shocked me whn i found out tht a body was found at macritchie (however you spell it) area.. around afternoon. wtf? scream yes scream.

handcuffs. =D handcuffs handcuffs. eternally grateful to pauline fer lending me too. your debt is cleared. ^^